Faustus: Soul for Sale
by Scott Sedar
is not a show about mighty battles. It’s not about heroes
and warriors, or great lovers either. There’s no secret agents,
no car crashes, no explosions, just one man—Faustus.
Was he right?
Was he wrong? You be the judge. Here’s his story.
He was a man
of the streets, but he had ambition. The first in his family to
go to college, he studied hard, worked his way up till he had his
But still, it
wasn’t enough. He had to be the best, had to know what no
other man knew—maybe no one was ever meant to know.
But let me quit
talking before I tell the whole story. Here he is. He can speak
FAUSTUS in his study, with a pile of books.
Faustus: Man, I don’t feel like studying, but there’s
so much more I want to learn. Like Aristotle’s stuff—I
live for it.
you’re hurting my head! But what’s the point? I can
argue about philosophy all day long, but who cares? There must be
something greater out there.
Like Dr. Phil…if
I had my own show, I’d be rich and famous by now. And I’m
not there, yet, not even close. Nobody knows my name. Does that
sound cliché? Aren’t all the important people on FOX
There are parts
of the city without all this crime and violence. And people with
HIV are staying healthy for years. But what have I ever done? I
haven’t cured cancer; I’ve never stopped a war. I’m
still just me, a regular man. If I could live forever, or bring
the dead back to life, that would make people notice. That’s
what I’m talking ‘bout. This job is stupid. I quit!
This is the
life I was given. Like father, like son; you’re born in the
gutter, you live in the streets, and you die in an anonymous alleyway.
I’m nothing but a boring bookworm.
If you say you’ve
never sinned, you’re a liar. We live, we sin, we die, that’s
it. So much for immortality.
What I want
is power. I want the world to hear me and I want them to pay attention.
I want more money than Donald Trump, more fame than Oprah, and some
nuclear weapons on the side. Truth be told, I want to be God!
Wagner, call my friends up on the phone and tell them to come over.
this work isn’t doing me any good. I need to talk to someone.
Enter Good Angel and Evil Angel.
Good Angel: Man, Faustus, put the book down and nobody gets hurt!
Don’t even look at that stuff, cause God is gonna strike you
dead. You better pick up the Bible and get busy, cause that stuff
Don’t listen to him. Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s
where it’s all at. God’s up in the sky—it’s
time for you to rule the earth.
Faustus: Yeah, I got plans. Big plans. I’ll train an army
of flunkies to get me whatever I want. Gold, diamonds, a Rolex for
every day of the week, and a chauffeured Escalade to haul it all
around in. I’ll send them to the carry-out to get chicken
wings and mambo sauce for breakfast, and I won’t have to order
a pizza for lunch, it will just appear.
bootleg DVD’s before the big movies even come out, and I’ll
party with the stars on opening night.
them fix up the public schools, so all the kids will love me, and
I’ll give the students uniforms they can wear with pride:
Seven jeans, Prada, and Gucci for the girls, Armani, Polo, and Coogi
for the boys.
my army around the world, and pay them with everything they can
carry back. Who says you can’t have it all?
Yo Valdes, Cornelius!
Come on, bless me with your wisdom. This time you’ve convinced
me; I’m ready to give magic a try. Well, it wasn’t just
you that convinced me—I convinced myself, too. I just can’t
get this sorcery stuff out of my head.
It’s for dummies. And theology’s even worse—gross,
nasty, and totally disgusting. Help me out here, and we can talk
everyone into joining our team, even my pastor! We’ll be bigger
with your books, your brains, and our experience, we’ll make
the whole world love us. Like children obey their parents, everyone
on earth will do what we say. They’ll guard us like pit bulls,
the hottest women will throw themselves at us, and we’ll have
a safe stuffed with money.
you want to stay alive, don’t play with me, Valdes. I’m
for real about this.
you see what black magic will do, you’ll never pick up another
book again. You’ve got all the knowledge you need already.
time to shine, Faustus. You won’t just have a T.V. show, you’ll
have your own channel. All Faustus, 24-7, and you’ll have
more viewers every night than the Superbowl.
say they can dig up all the buried treasure in the world for us,
and all the money people lost in the stock market will be ours.
It’s you, me, and Valdes forever.
ready to roll, Cornelius! Tell me what I’ve got to do, and
I’ll do it.
need to hurry and find a quiet place to hide. Bring your philosophy
books and your science homework and some prayer books and the bible,
and whatever else you need. We’ll let you know when it’s
him what he’s supposed to say, and when he learns how to do
it he can solo.
right, I’ll show you the basics and you’ll be better
Let’s eat. Then we can go over the details. I’ma work
this magic before the night is over, or die trying.
Enter two Scholars.
Faustus, what’s up with you Son?
We’ll know in a minute. Here comes his boy.
First Scholar: What up, Wagner. Where’s your man Faustus?
Wait, don’t you know?
I know. It’s none of your business.
So it’s like that, huh?
son. There’s no need to fight. Just admit you’re wrong
and pay attention.
Why didn’t you tell me you knew?
got any witnesses?
Yeah, son. I heard you.
my friends—am I a thief?
Well, you won’t tell us.
aiight. But you don’t have to be so stupid about it. He’s
a human being, right? And people change, don’t they? But that’s
all right, it’s all good. I ain’t mad at you. Even though
you’ll probably get shot in a day or two, and afterwards I
would dance over your bodies. Then I’ll tell you this: For
real, my brother, Faustus is at my banging dinner with Valdes and
Cornelius, popping champagne. God bless you now, my friend, my brother.
Naw, I don’t believe it. Those two are trouble for real, bad
as Voldemort with their dark arts.
He’s a stranger. He ain’t no friend to me now. But I
feel sorry for him. We ought to tell the preacher, so maybe he can
talk some sense into him.
That probably won’t do him no good. I’m scared, for
Well, let’s see what we can do anyhow.
Enter FAUSTUS, casting a spell.
Faustus: Now the yellow sun is gone from the sky and the Anacostia
River is filled with dirty brown water and dead fish, cold frost
bite…The darkness comes over me. Puppy dogg pound, purple
rain, angels of midnight, grace me with a smile. Evil spirits, speak
to me in a mellow, harsh voice.
You’re too ugly to look at me, so change yourself into something
I can stand to see. Find yourself some decent clothes, for one thing.
Hey, I’m pretty good at this. I’ve got Mephistophilis
right where I want him.
Re-enter MEPHISTOPHILIS dressed like a rapper.
Mephist.: Okay, Faustus. You tha man. What do you want me to do?
gotta do whatever I say. If I want Beyoncé standing here
in front of me, you have to take care of it.
Lucifer’s my boss. I do what he says and that’s it.
No more orders from you unless he says so.
he tell you to come here just now?
I came here on my own.
you hear my spells, and that’s why you’re here? Tell
Mephist: I heard
you, but I came here by accident. When I heard you cursing god,
I got all excited, thinking I could come and snatch your soul. You
took the best shortcut there is for getting in touch with the dark
I’m finished now. I won. Faustus holds the title.
what I think:
no god but the devil.
I ain’t afraid to be “damned”
That doesn’t scare me.
But who is this Lucifer that you worship?
the dog down there. Whatever he says goes.
up. Didn’t Lucifer used to be an angel before?
He was God’s favorite. Teacher’s pet.
then how did he become the King of Hell?
got all big-headed and smart-mouthed God, so God kicked him out.
what are you to Lucifer?
chose to follow Lucifer, so God kicked us out. Now we’re stuck
did you get banned to?
if you were sent to Hell, then what are you doing up here?
matter where I am, I’m in Hell. A living Hell. Everything
is super-bad for me now that I had a taste of the good life in heaven,
cause I know I can never go back. Don’t do it! You’ll
are you so worked up about losing a shot at heaven? I, for one,
wouldn’t care if I went back or not. I can take it.
You go tell
Lucifer I can take whatever he has planned for me. I got a deal
for him. He can have my soul, but he has to give me twenty four
years of everything I want. I get to be Mr. Big Shot, I get whatever
I want, no matter what it costs. Money. Power. Women. Pancakes for
dinner. Anything. I don’t have to listen to no stupidhead.
He pretty much has to do whatever I please; he’s pretty much
Go tell Lucifer
what I said, then meet me at midnight tonight and tell me what he
Whatever. Be back later.
only I had more souls. I’d give them all up to be king of
the world and do whatever I want with it. I’d move the continents
around like puzzle pieces. I’m going to think about this stuff
till Mephistophilis comes back.
Enter WAGNER and CLOWN.
Wagner: Hey you, Clown, come here.
Have you ever seen so many boys with freaky hair? Bikers, drunks
on the streets, bearded thugs…Whoo!
anybody come in here?
Some people left, too.
Look how raggedy and hungry people are. They’d give their
soul to the devil for a hamburger, even if it was covered in mud.
sell my soul, but not for that; maybe if it were a juicy, flame-broiled
burger with lettuce and cheese and tomatoes and a side of fries.
And also a two-liter soda. Sprite.
Wagner: If you
serve me, I’ll make you one of my own. You’d be my apprentice.
Clown: You gonna
pay me with words?
about a fresh shirt and some lotion to get rid of your head lice?
You can’t give me the ocean.
I said lotion.
Clown: So why
would I help you if you can’t put your own plan in motion?
joking. You better help me out or I’ll turn those lice into
your best friends and they’ll tear you up.
Clown: Do you
hear yourself? You can keep your promises. I’ve heard them
all. I’m as used to hearing lies as a dog is to fleas.
Wagner: Do you
know what you’re turning down? Hold on, man. Here, take this
Clown: I don’t
want your trash.
do you want me to do with it?
it, and in an hour the devil will come and get you.
you can keep your trash.
Wagner: No take
backs. I don’t need it.
Clown: But you
will one day.
I’m giving him the money.
now! I’m giving it back.
I’ll get my two devils, Boogyman and Belcher, to come get
‘em on. And when they get here, I’ll knock ‘em
both out and—Suppose I kill one of them? People will be calling
me devil-killer everywhere. I’ll be famous.
Enter two DEVILS:
the Clown runs around screaming.
and Belcher, you can go now.
Clown: Are they
gone? I’ll get revenge on those two ugly suckers. It was a
boy-devil and a girl-devil, too. You can tell because the boy had
horns and the girl had little goat feet.
now come with me.
Clown: If I
come with you, will you teach me how to conjure up Booger Breath
Wagner: I can
teach you to change yourself into any animal you want—dog,
cat, hamster, rabbit, whatever.
Turn myself into a dog? No sir. I’m a good churchgoing man.
I don’t want to be anybody’s pet. If you turn me into
anything, let it be a flea so I can sneak around without people
seeing me and I can tickle pretty women and not get caught.
Wagner: So come
Clown: Do you
hear what you’re saying?
Clown: Oh no.
Please, leave Billygoat and Butchie alone, Wagner.
Mister Wagner to you, punk. And from now on make sure your left
eye is focused on my right foot at all times.
Clown: God help
me! I’ll go with him and do what he says and that’s
FAUSTUS is in his study.
Faustus: Hey Faustus, you can’t be cursed and you can’t
be saved, either. What good is it to think of God or heaven? Better
get those fancy ideas out of your head. You’re on the devil’s
side now, and there’s no turning back.
Why are you
worrying? Are you having second thoughts?
that I hear? “Give it up, Faustus. There’s still time
to get out of this mess. Just ask forgiveness.”
No, God doesn’t
want me. I’m in this for myself and I want to have it all.
I’m down with the devil for life, and I’ll snatch little
babies out of their cribs if that’s what he likes.
Enter Good Angel and Evil Angel.
Good Angel: Faustus, leave that mess alone.
want me to pray? You want me to be sorry? What’s up with that?
Just do it. You can still get into heaven.
Don’t be stupid. He’s lying, trying to pull your shirt
over your eyes.
Yo, Faustus. Just think heavenly thoughts and good things.
Man, think of money and power.
Faustus: Money! Power! That’s it, I’ve made up my mind.
Mephistophilis, I’m all yours!
So, what does Lucifer have to say, Boss?
says to give you want you want as long as you live, then you’re
his for the rest of the time.
we already talk about this?
got to swear to it. Write it down in blood. Lucifer needs a written
contract, or I’m outta here. And while you’re at it,
you ought to write a will.
thing is, I’m kind of slow. What does Lucifer want with my
more the merrier, or something like that…
that why he tempts us like this?
you’ve heard misery loves company. What’s it gonna be
now, Faustus? Do I get your soul or not?
you got it.
sign your name in blood. That makes it a done deal. You’re
gonna be big as Lucifer himself some day.
his arm) Here goes. You’ve got my blood now, Lucifer. Move
over Voldemort, step aside Darth Vader, Faustus is here to stay.
Faustus, you’ve got to spell it out. Start writing.
what I’m trying to do. But my blood clots up pretty quick.
I can’t write no more.
right, I’ll get some fire to melt it down for you.
did my arm scab up? My blood doesn’t even want to do this.
Wait, I got it. (writes) “I.O.U. one soul. Faustus.”
There. What’s the big deal about that? It’s my soul,
Re-enter MEPHISTOPHILIS with fire.
Mephist: Okay, let’s get things moving here. Come on, Faustus.
mind. I got it.
Man, I’ll do just about anything for one lousy soul.
all over now. My soul belongs to Lucifer. But wait…what’s
this writing on my arm? I don’t remember getting a tattoo.
It says “Run away.”
Huh. Where can
I run to? I got no place left to go. I’m pretty sure God won’t
want me in heaven now.
Maybe I read
it wrong; I better look again. No, that’s what it says, plain
as day. “Run away.” Well, I got news for this tattoo:
Faustus ain’t goin’ nowhere.
go get a little something to take his mind off his troubles.
with Devils, who have fancy clothes for FAUSTUS. They dance around,
was that all about?
I just wanted to show you what a little magic can do.
do we get to the good stuff? I want to raise up dead people.
get to that, and bigger things too.
right, that’s good enough for me. Here’s my signed papers.
Just remember, you have to hold up your end of the deal.
you worry, Faustus. I swear by Lucifer.
They always bringing the black man down.
our deal: First, I can stay black, till the day I die. Secondly,
us black people need some space, so you’ve got to give it
to me. You’ve got to do whatever I say, and bring me whatever
I want. But you have to stay out of sight unless I call you. And
I want to own Six Flags—I want to own Wall Street. And you
gotta answer all my questions. Signed, Faustus.
in the black man’s terms, tell me what you want to know.
I want to know what’s it like where I’m going after
cemetery? It’s got a nice green lawn, bunch of stones, with
a fence around it.
after that. The H-word. Where is it?
wherever we are, with whatever hurts us the most, and it’s
where we’ll always be. When the world comes to an end, basically
everything that’s not Heaven…is the other place.
Faustus: I think
you dreaming stories.
You’ll see when you get there.
are you so sure I’m going there?
I’ve got the paper you just signed.
It’s just hard for me to picture it. I don’t believe
in that stuff.
I’m living proof, cause I’m in hell right now.
that case, no problem. You’re walking around, having a good
time, arguing with me. I’d go there on vacation. But never
mind that. I’m hungry. Go get me something to eat. No carry
out, no Pizza Hut—get that Taco Bell. The whole menu. And
right there. I’ll get you a fine meal from the Devil’s
with a Devil carrying a torn Taco Bell menu and an empty McDonald’s
you like the food? Is it hot?
That’s no food. Get out of my face with that. You a disgrace
to black folks.
worry about food, Faustus. You’ll be getting all the food
you need: carry out, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, fried chicken, fries
from McDonalds—just blink and it’ll be, like BOOM! in
(Gives him a
Take this book.
And read it, don’t just look at the pictures. It’s got
all you need to know to get what you want. All you have to do is
say the words, make the motions, and whatever you’re asking
for will just pop up right in front of your face.
but I also want a book about how to bring the dead back to life.
got it. Right here. (turns to them in book)
I basically want to know everything there is to know. And stuff
no one else knows, like, I want to know what’s going to happen
in the future. And I want to know how to cure every disease.
fine. Look right here. (turns to them in book)
I want the cheat codes for every game.
Now I got you beat.
Enter FAUSTUS and MEPHISTOPHILIS.
Faustus: When my days are done and my life has flashed before my
eyes, I’ll awake at the gates of heaven already knowing that
it won’t be my home. God’s gonna have some real nice
words for me, I bet. Then will I be sure that I’ve really
bit the big one. And this time there’s no turning back.
really think it’s all sweet up there, huh? Man, heaven ain’t
‘bout nothing. Just more rules to follow, cause you’re
closer to God. If you ask me, I’d rather just live it up while
I’m here. Any man would!
Faustus: I thought
you might say something like that. That’s why you’re
the last person I would ask.
is for those who lived boring lives. That’s about it.
having second thoughts right about now. Maybe I should give in and
beg for forgiveness.
Enter Good Angel and Evil Angel
Good Angel: Faustus, God is all about forgiveness. It’s not
too late. Repent!
Um, it actually is far too late. You’re as good as dead now.
In other words, you’re screwed.
that? Hold up! Did I just hear someone’s cell phone ring?
I know you didn’t just call me a dead man. God will still
forgive me if I apologize.
Ha. Ha. Like that’ll ever happen.
Faustus: I’m heartless at this point. Too heartless to repent.
Here I am again willing to give anything to go back in time. Like
when my teacher called my mother in 3rd grade, I knew what awaited
me when I got home.
I thought that
was the most horrible punishment ever. Huh. That was child’s
play. A beating is painful, but you live afterwards. There is still
life. So how should I feel to be destined for pain after death?
I should just kill myself now and end this fiasco.
the point? Why not put it off as long as I can? Bump that! I’m
‘bout a wild out and leave the repenting to the nuns.
So tell me,
Mephistophilis…did O.J. do it?
good man, now that is one enigma of our time that I can’t
reveal to you. It would upset the balance of the universe. Try me
Chris Brown really smash Rihanna’s head through his Lamborghini:
don’t need to know that.
really. Don’t mind me, Mephistophilis, but I’m honestly
starting to doubt your ability to even answer a few questions. Tell
me what I want to know. If you can, that is.
doubt my abilities, or what I know. I know more about you than you
What is my biggest fear?
Mephist: I was
expecting more of a challenge. But if you want to make things easy
on me, then fine. Your biggest fear is of clowns with Mohawks.
never told that to anyone.
you finally see that I’m no joke.
Faustus: Yeah, that’s right. Get out of here. You’re
the one who got me into this mess. Is it really too late?
(Re-enter Good Angel and Evil Angel)
Evil Angel: Definitely too late. Time’s up.
It’s never too late, if you’re really sorry.
You brought the Devil in this now. Don’t think he’ll
let you out of the deal.
Just repent, please, and the Devil won’t be able to lay a
hand on you.
that’s it. I can still be saved. Umm…Help?
(Enter LUCIFER, BELZEBUB, and MEPHISTOPHILIS)
Lucifer: Forget it Faustus. I’m the only one who cares about
are you? And why are you so seriously ugly?
know me. I’m Lucifer. And you’ll get used to the way
a second. It’s not time yet.
worry. We haven’t come to take you away. We’re just
sick of all this back and forth. “Should I repent? Will God
forgive me?” Don’t worry about that stuff. Just think
of me. And my crew here too.
you’re right. I’m through with all that, and I’m
through with religion. I might just burn down a church or something.
you do, we’d really appreciate it. Faustus, we’re here
to put on a show for you. Sit down and relax, and you’ll get
to see all the Seven Deadly Sins right here before your eyes.
sounds just like heaven to me.
I thought you were gonna quit talking about that nonsense. Remember
this: You need to talk about me. Not heaven. The Devil. Nice name,
Come on in!
(Enter the Seven Deadly Sins)
Now, Faustus, pay close attention. You need to learn their names
and what they’re all about.
O.K. Who’s the first?
Pride: I am
Pride. I look down on my parents. I’m like a flea, pinching
everyone in my way. It’s kinda like a contagious self-confidence.
(Laughs) I hide in make-up kits. Most likely, I’m the reflection
in your mirror. OOOOHHH, what’s that I smell? I won’t
speak another word until you worship the ground I walk on. Roll
out my red carpet! (snaps)
sure. Who’s the second?
I am covetousness. My grandmother was an evil old witch. I basically
grew up in a sewer. If I could have anything, I would want this
house and everyone in it turned to gold. And then I’d keep
it all to myself. Sweet, sweet gold.
who’s the third?
Wrath: I am
Wrath. I didn’t have any parents. I was raised by pit bulls
since I was a baby, and ever since then I’ve been running
the streets. When I don’t have anyone to fight with, I fight
myself. I guess you could say I was born and raised in Hell. But
don’t act like you’re better than me, cause some of
you may end up being my father.
who is the fourth?
Envy: I am Envy.
My dad was a garbage men and my mother was a substitute teacher.
I wish all books were burned, because I can’t read. I’m
the skinny one with all the fat people eating all around me. I wish
the whole world would starve to death, so they could all die and
leave me alone. Then you would see how fat I’d be. But why
do you get to sit while I stand? Get down on the floor, fool!
out of here, you jealous loser. Who’s number five?
am I? I am Gluttony. My parents are dead and they didn’t leave
me with a dime. I barely have enough to buy ten square meals a day
and a drink or two. Or twenty. My grandfather was a triple-deluxe
ice cream sundae from Baskin Robbins. My grandmother was a supersized
bottle of Remy. And my godparents were both chosen to have it my
way from Burger King. But my godmother was the best—everyone
loved her everywhere she went. Her name was Budweiser. Now Faustus,
you’ve heard what I have to say. Now why don’t you go
fix me some dinner?
in this lifetime. You’ll eat up my whole house.
hope you choke on a chicken bone.
Who’s the sixth?
Lechery: I am
Sloth. I was born on an island, and I’ve been lying there
ever since. As a matter of fact, this is a major inconvenience coming
all the way over here. Who’s gonna give me a ride home? Hmmph.
I don’t feel like talking any more.
promiscuous boy—who are you? The seventh and last?
am I? I’m the one who loves a Playboy magazine better than
a bucket of Popeye’s. Oh, and my name begins with an L.
out of here, Lechery! Now, Faustus, how do you like what you saw?
(exit the Sins)
I’m just soaking it all in. I’m loving all of this.
I told you it would be great.
I see. But I would be happier if I could go see what Hell is like
and then come back again.
I’ll send for you at midnight. In the meantime, take this
book and read through it carefully. Then you can be whatever you
want to be.
Lucifer. I’ll guard this with my life.
Faustus. Don’t forget about me.
ya later, Lucifer.
(exit LUCIFER and BELZEBUB.)
Chorus: What a smart man Faustus is. He’s got the highest
test scores in the school. He learned all his lessons and he’s
gone on from there, so far he hit the very top. And now he wants
to go higher. Next thing you know, he’ll be down at the District
Building giving advice to Adrian Fenty and living large off the
Enter FAUSTUS and MEPHISTOPHILIS.
Faustus: Well, Mephistophilis, I’ve just about seen it all
now. I’ve been to Paris and London, New York and L.A. My bodyguards
beat up the paparazzi so I could get some peace while I was partying
with Jay-Zee and Beyoncé. They’re really nice people
once you get to know them. The champagne and caviar were delicious,
and the cruise ship was the bomb. I’ve seen the Pyramids in
Egypt, penguins in Antarctica, and the Grand Canyon back home. So
where are you taking me now, to Gallery Place?
Even better. I got you a private meeting with Adrian Fenty, so you
can talk business.
Faustus: I hope
It doesn’t matter. When you talk, he’ll listen.
And now, just
so you know, Faustus—D.C. is on the map, sitting on top of
the Anacostia River. You got trees everywhere, libraries, monuments,
and every day you see black people and the Big Chair down on M.L.K.
there’s more that I want to see. Take me to the club and the
after-party, and when the night is over, let’s go to IHOP
and have pancakes and syrup. Later, we can go to the F.B.I. and
see what kind
fam—stay here. I got it all set up with Fenty. You got time
for him, don’t you? The whole city council is over there,
and they’re about to serve lunch.
Faustus: I want
to have some fun with them. Give me a hoodie that covers everything
but my eyes—make me invisible.
what you want to do. There are no consequences.
enter ADRIAN FENTY and other V.I.P.’s)
it’s the boss of the schools, Michelle Rhee. Come here, girl.
dead. I hope you get the stomach flu.
Who said that? Who’s there?
I don’t see anyone. There’s nobody there.
check out the Big Mac sent to me from the McDonald’s on Alabama
This is mine. (snatches the dish)
Fenty: Who took
my Big Mac? I’m hungry, too. Oh well, that pepperoni pizza
you say so. I’ll take that, too. (snatches the dish)
Fenty: Not again.
Oh well, let’s have a toast. To your health!
you, sir. (snatches the cup)
It’s probably some really little kid trying to steal enough
for bus fare.
(looks around) Someone call security.
even start with that. If you can’t find me, they can’t
either. I’m warning you.
him on the chin, and they all run away)
Come on, Mephistophilis,
what should we do?
not gonna back down. What’s this to us? Square up.
we gonna do this? What if he glass us both? Are you like Iron Man?
You gonna fly?
Cursed be he
who stole the Big Mac
Cursed be the hook to the Mayor’s chin
Cursed be he who ate the Big Mac
And glassed the Mayor, too.
and FAUSTUS beat the Mayor and his staff)
Faustus had seen the world—the monuments, the malls, and the
He kept on going, till he got back home, where all of his friends
had missed him
They were glad he got home safely and asked him all about his trips
Faustus knew everything and became rich and famous
And now he’s at a cookout with the President,
But that’s all I’m gonna say.
(Enter ROBIN the hustler, with a book in his hand)
Robin: That’s what’s up. I found Faustus’ magic
book. Now I can get all the single ladies to do whatever I please.
is a carwash, not a bookstore, Robin. Get your head in the game
and clean this man’s Corvette.
me alone, before I pull you eyes out of your mouth.
Ralph: You can’t
figure that book out. You can’t even read.
Robin: You ask
my boss and his girl if I can read. He’s about to be my servant,
and she’s gonna be my wifey.
kind of book did you get hold of?
is the best supernatural power blade book ever written. Straight
from the devil.
can you do with it?
Robin: I can
turn you into a frog, and I can make every day Christmas.
that, but I can get your ex to take you back again, no matter what
you’re talking. Do that, and I’m on your team for life.
enough. Let’s get cleaned up and change our clothes, so we
can go out.
and RALPH. They grab a 2-liter bottle of RC off the shelf)
Robin: Aiight, Ralph—see these Harleys? I’ll make it
so they never need gas again.
Ralph: But Robin,
here comes the man from the corner store.
Watch us get this 2-liter for free.
(Robin and Ralph
walk towards door)
Man: Hey, can I have a word with you? You two need to pay for that
Robin: We put
Man: If you don’t have it, I’ma check him. Hey, you
all you want. You ain’t gonna find nothing.
Man searches him and finds nothing.)
See, now you
should be ashamed for accusing me like that.
Man: One of you gotta have it.
Robin: I don’t
have it. You lie, I’ll glass you for an R.C. Look at the R.C.,
Man: What? I don’t get what you talking ‘bout.
tell you what I mean. (reads from book)
Gary be immobiliter
abbra cadabra doo doo.
Look at the
who throws needles at them and disappears)
Man: What’s going on? Robin, you don’t have the R.C..
you go. (hands him the bottle) I’m outta here.
Robin: Oh no.
I never should have touched that book. Forgive me, devil. I won’t
do it again.
trifling little fool! Who do you think you are? You made me come
all the way out here for a bottle of soda? I’ll crush you
and burn your bones in my ashtray. I dare you to use my spell book
I’ll pay your bus fare for you. Want a dollar?
Mephist: I don’t
want your dollar. Mephistophilis doesn’t ride the bus. But,
since you jumped out there, I’ll turn you into a dog and your
friend to a cat.
like I better learn to like dog food.
Ralph: And I’ll
finish out my life as a Siamese.
OBAMA, FAUSTUS, and a spokesperson, with aides)
President: Hey, Doc. I’ve been hearing rumors about you knowing
a lot of dangerous things. They say no one can top you now, because
you have contacts in the Underworld. So what I want is to see some
proof. I promise that you won’t get in any trouble.
Right. He looks just like a magician. (aside)
President, sir, I’m not as good as everyone says. But, since
I respect you and you are the one in charge, I’ll do whatever
Faustus, I’ve been stuck at home a lot lately, and I’ve
been thinking a lot about my family and all the people who came
before me. You know, there are people who have holidays to celebrate
their lives—founding fathers and such, like Washington and
Lincoln—and kids get a day off from school just to remember
them and everything they did for our country.
And then there’s
Martin Luther King. Everybody knows all about the brave and heroic
things he did. It’s really hard on me that I never got to
meet him and speak to him in person. How can I even begin to think
about leading our country out of the wilderness when I never got
a chance to talk to the greatest leaders in history? What I want
you to do is bring Dr. King back from the grave, just for a day
or two, so I can talk to him about what’s going on.
definitely going to give it my best shot, President Obama. I’ll
see what I can do to help you out.
Man, you can’t do nothing.
just that I’m not sure I can actually raise a man up from
the dead just like that. I mean flesh and bone right here in front
of you—I’ve never tried that.
Yeah, that’s a good sign, when you stop lying and tell the
truth for a change.
for instance, you know the man got shot. It’s kind of disrespectful
to bring him back exactly like that. I can bring back his spirit,
just like he was when he was in his prime, but that might not be
good enough for you.
for it. Let’s see what you can do.
Did you hear him Mr. Big Shot? Get on with it.
See you don’t have no superpowers. Why don’t you try
and turn me into a goat?
Faustus: I might.
Mephistophilis, get out of here!
Okay. While you make a fool out of yourself I’ma go play my
see you when I’m done here. Sorry, Mr. President. Here you
with a Spirit in the shape of Martin Luther King)
man. How do I know it’s really him?
him yourself when you’ve got some privacy. (exit Spirit)
By the way,
can you tell your assistant to come back here? The one who was so
nice to me a minute ago?
Spokesperson, with a pair of horns on his head)
up with you? I knew you smelled like a goat, but now you look like
(to FAUSTUS) You worthless mutt from the dirtiest alley in the city.
How dare you treat me like this? Do you have any idea how much money
I make? Take it back! Now!
so fast, man. No need to hurry. Don’t you remember what you
said about me a minute ago? I think we’re about even.
do me a favor and fix him up.
you, Mr. President, no problem. I was just joking. (to Spokesperson)
But maybe from now on you’ll treat an educated man with proper
respect. Mephistophilis, clean up this mess. (MEPHISTOPHILIS removes
the horns) That’s it for me, I’m out of here.
a lot, Faustus. You can expect a big fat check in the mail from
Mephistophilis, I know my time is running short, so let’s
get back home.
want to drive or take a cab?
I think I’ll walk. It’s a nice day.
(enter a Used
been looking all over for you, Mr. Fusto! Hey, How ya doin’?
What’s up with you?
give you a thousand dollars for that old car you got.
Faustus: I don’t
know. It cost a lot more than that. I’ll let you have it for
all I got. Come on, give a man a break!
on, Faustus. Let him have it. He’s got a good life—not
wife, no kids. You can get all the money you want.
right, I’ll take it. But I have to warn you: Don’t try
to drive this car up the alley, slim. Don’t do that.
are the tires bad?
tires are fine. You can drive it on the highway or through a ditch,
anywhere you want, just don’t drive it up the alley.
okay. I gots me a car. I ain’t sellin’ this joint for
even twice what I bought it for. Just remember, I’m gonna
check the oil and the engine and if anything’s wrong, you’ll
be hearing from my lawyer.
away, you hustler. What do you think I am, a mechanic? (exit the
And what am
I, but a dead man walking?
My life will
be over soon. Depression makes me not trust my own thoughts. Maybe
some sleep will bring peace and quiet to my mind. (falls asleep
in his chair)
all wet and crying)
no…This is horrible! The last doctor I went to wasn’t
a real doctor. He said he would clean me up, but he cleaned me out
of a thousand dollars. My money’s gone.
Like the fool I was, I wouldn’t listen to him. He told me
not to drive in the alley, but me being young and dumb, I drove
straight up the alley. Next thing I know, the car disappears right
in front of me and I’m sitting on the ground on a floor mat!
But you watch,
I’ma get my money back, or he’ll be sorry. A-yo, there’s
his li’l side-kick. Hey you, Clown! Where’s your boss?
man! He’s busy now. He ain’t got time for you.
can make time.
asleep. Come back later.
about he talks to me right now or I’ll break his neck?
telling you, he hasn’t slept in a minute.
that’s the sleepy guy I’m gonna speak with.
aiight, go find him.
there he is—Aye wake up! I need to talk with you, Doctor.
he can’t hear you.
yeah? (Shouts in his ear) Wake up now, or I’ll wake you up.
(Pulls FAUSTUS by the leg)
Ow. Mephisto, call the Feds. He going nuts!
I’ll call 911. They’ll take him to jail.
go, lemme go. I’ll give you twenty bucks to drop me.
where’s your money?
ain’t got it…with me—but aye, aye, we can go to
my apartment and get it.
riddance. I’ma sue the crap out of him for that.
up, Wagner? What’s the gossip?
guy would like to speak with you. Seems urgent.
yeah, I think I know who you’re talking about. Thinks he’s
smart, too. Ay Mephisto, let’s go see this guy.
TRUMP, his Wife, and MEPHISTOPHILIS
Trump: Bee-lee me, top Doc, you cool. All this happiness makes me
I’m glad that works out for ya. But maybe your wife isn’t
having such a good time. I’ve heard that fat chicks like to
have a big dessert after dinner.
Ms. Trump: Thank
you so much for thinking of me. I’m not gonna lie—I’d
really love to have a four-scoop hot fudge sundae with cookies and
cream ice cream. But it’s too late now. Baskin Robbins is
problem. Anything for you. Go fetch, Mephistophilis.
with a hot fudge sundae)
Here you go,
girl. With a cherry on top!
you do that? Rich as I am, I can’t get a Baskin Robbins sundae
when the store is closed.
you know it’s 11:00 at night in D.C., but in L.A. it’s
only 8pm. You just gotta know the right people. How do you like
your ice cream, ma’am?
Ms. Trump: MMMM.
It tastes so good.
Trump: You made
my wife happier than I ever do. How much do I owe you?
let you know later…
Wagner: I think
my boss is about to die. He has given me everything he owns. But,
if he was about to die, why would he throw a party? Or be out on
the dance floor with all the young ladies? And he sure is feasting
like everything is fine. He’s eating like a pig. Oh. Dinner’s
over. What’s he up to now?
with Scholars and MEPHISTOPHILIS)
Faustus, since we had our talk about the good, the bad, and the
ugly, we have come to a decision that Beyoncé of Hollywood
is the best-looking woman that ever lived. So, if you can do us
a favor and let us hang with her, we will owe you for a lifetime.
Now, I know
our friendship is stronger than ever, and I try to show love for
the friends who have always been there for me. So here she is, Beyoncé
and Beyoncé comes out)
I know what you mean. That’s the kind of woman that’s
worth fighting over.
Wait till I tell everyone! I went out with Beyoncé! I guess
we can go now. Thank you, Faustus. I hope you live happily ever
(Enter an Old
Old Man: Faustus,
listen to me for a second. I’m trying to help you out here.
You’ve got to do the right thing. Just repent. Right now,
you’re evil and dirty. Disgusting, really. You won’t
get anywhere acting like you do. You’re full of sins. But
remember, Faustus, you can still be forgiven. It’s up to you
to decide. Think about it.
wow. Faustus, what have you done? I give up. It’s over now.
I can hear the devil calling in my ear, saying “That’s
it, Faustus. Your time is up. Come on down!” I might as well
get it over with…
gives him a knife)
Old Man: Naw,
Faustus, you should stay. I can see a halo over your head already.
The angels are just waiting for your call so they can tell you what
to do and how to be forgiven. Call them now—see what they
have to say.
You really are a good friend. I feel better already. I need to think
Old Man: I’ll
go now, Faustus, but you’re freaking me out. You better do
something quick, or you won’t stand a chance.
you, self! Where’s the mercy? Boy, am I sorry for what I’ve
done. But how can I get out of this mess? I don’t see a way
right, traitor. Your soul is under arrest for breaking the laws
of the underworld. You better cut it out now or I’ll make
eternal damnation look like a Happy Meal.
forget it. I know I made a promise. You want me to write it out
in blood again for you?
hurry up. And you better mean it this time.
his arm and writes in blood)
Faustus: I better
face it. I’m just too scared to go up against Lucifer.
Mephist: I can’t
touch his soul just yet. I can hurt him physically if I want to,
but I doubt I’ll get very far with that.
know what might help? What I really deserve? You need to fix me
up with Beyoncé, who I just saw a minute ago. Yeah, one kiss
from her would really get these thoughts about betraying Lucifer
out of my mind.
problem. Here she is.
this is the face that has everyone going crazy? Oh, Beyoncé,
I’ll live forever with just one kiss. Come and make my soul
pure—your lips can take me to heaven and back again. Anything
that’s not you is nothing to me. You don’t need Jay-Zee,
together we can stop the violence in D.C. and win the war in Iraq.
We’ll even capture Osama Bin Laden. I will wear your school
colors faithfully across my chest. You are more beautiful than a
thousand stars and lovelier than the flowers in the springtime.
And I’m telling you this from the bottom of my heart.
(Enter the Old
Old Man: Poor, sick, cursed Faustus. You sorry sucker. You turned
your back on Heaven, so there’s only one place left for you.
Too bad, Devil.
This is one man you can’t lay a finger on. My time is coming
soon, but I know where I’m headed, and it won’t be down
on one side, Old Man on the other)
my good friends, if I would have stuck with you, I’d still
be alive. But I’m a dead man now. Look—he’s coming
Man, what are you talking about?
I think his head’s messed up from being alone too long.
Let’s get him a doctor. It’s nothing, man. You just
had a few too many. You’re going to be okay.
Faustus: I had
a few too many deadly sins. I’m a goner, for real.
Stop thinking like that Faustus. God will see you through.
what I’ve done can’t be forgiven. Listen to the words
that are coming out of my mouth. Remember, I’ve been studying
here at Howard for about thirty years. That’s a really long
time. If only I could have stuck with my homework and never picked
up that stupid book of spells! Everyone knows what I’ve done
with my life. Yeah, I had a taste of the good life—the whole
world saw that—but look what I gave up for it. Now I have
no chance at Heaven. I know where I’m going. Forever. What
will happen to me if I’m stuck in Hell forever?
Faustus, go to church. Call on God and ask forgiveness.
Call on God after I betrayed him? By that contract, the devil owns
me. Even if I wanted to raise my hands and praise him, I couldn’t.
See? My hands have been cuffed. They hold me down.
All: Who are
and Mephistophilis, that’s who. I sold them my soul for these
skills I got.
All: For real?
I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I got twenty-four years
of living the good life, but for that I gave up eternal happiness.
I wrote an I.O.U. in my own blood. My time ran out, and in a day
or two he’s going to come for me.
Why didn’t you tell us at first? So we could have done something
Faustus: I should
have. I’ve thought about it a lot. But he threatened to rip
me to pieces and send what was left of me straight to Hell if I
spoke one word about God. Now it’s too late. Ya’ll better
get out of here unless you want to die with me.
What can we do? We want to help you.
worry about me. Save your own lives, and leave me alone.
I can take it. God will give me strength. I’m staying.
Don’t risk it. Let’s go into the next room and pray
right, pray. Pray for me. And no matter what you hear, don’t
come back in here, cause nothing can save me.
If you pray, then we’ll pray for you. We’ll pray for
you to be forgiven.
friends. If I’m alive in the morning, I’ll come over.
If you don’t see me—I’m in Hell.
All: Good bye.
The clock strikes eleven)
one more hour to live. Then I’m gone to suffer forever. Time,
stand still so that the clock never hits 12:00. Or let this day
last a year, a month, even just a week. So I can fix things up and
save my life!
The stars are
still moving, my time is running out. At midnight the devil will
come and I’m lost. Maybe not—maybe I can jump up to
heaven. I know they could help me up there. Lucifer, don’t
hurt me for saying that. I gotta try. I think I can see God’s
face and, uh-oh, it looks like he’s real mad at me.
No, no! Where
can I run to? Can I crawl inside the earth, shoot myself off into
space? Is there anyplace that will take me?
(the clock strikes
A half hour
left. That used to seem like a really long time when I was a kid,
and I had to wait for dinner. Look, if you won’t have mercy
on me, could you just send me to Guantanamo? Or how about if I just
go to Hell for a thousand years? Or a hundred thousand? Just so
I know it will be over some day. I mean, forever is a really long
time. Like, forever. Why does my soul have to be immortal? Why can’t
I be like a dog, and just die at the end of my life?
Why did I have
to be born? Why were my parents ever born? No, it’s all my
fault. I made my choice. It’s all my fault and Lucifer’s.
(the clock strikes
it. My time is up. Maybe I can just disappear.
soul. Change yourself into smoke and vanish in the air!
Oh, God, don’t
look at me like that. I know you’re mad at me. Snakes, spiders,
let me breathe just a minute longer! Lucifer, please don’t
come for me! I’ll burn the books; I swear I won’t mess
up again! Help, help, Mephistophilis—Nooooooooooo…
He could have
Could have been a leader, husband, father,
So many roads to travel, so much could have been his—
But instead of reaching for the stars, he grabbed at the worst inside
And wound up lower than any man has ever been.
Do you see? Are you listening? Have you learned anything from his
Your opportunities are endless but, still, there are questions you
should never ask.
There are places no one should ever go.
to student work